Sunday, August 5, 2007

Life is Crap .....

WARNING: This post may contain a fair amount of whining and moaning (but I will do my best to put positive things in also - NO PROMISES though!)

Some days (weeks, months ...) just aren't as good as others - that's just the way I feel right now. I am very disappointed in myself ... not only have I let others down, I have let myself down too ... I am stuck in a rut and no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to get out of it. And that makes me so very SAD (seriously). Life is what you make it and right now I am not doing a very good job of making it good. I need time or maybe I just need to make better use of my time or maybe I need to change my priorities or maybe - I just don't know - I need to make some changes. Yes, I need to make some changes but I am struggling on how to do that and still do the things that need to get done (for me and not always others).

Whatever ....

That used to make me so angry when others would respond that way and now ... I seem to be using that phrase myself and I don't feel good about that.

For the last week, I have been dog (house and cat(s)) sitting for a co-worker. As a result, my routine has been interrupted and I haven't been able to keep up with my blog reading and posting. (Not that I was doing that great of a job doing so before I went to her house ...) She has multiple computers at her house and wouldn't you know - they were all password protected ... so I couldn't even check my blogs, much less write a post! I have tried to sneak in at work but I have to be careful about that because our Internet activity is monitored and I don't wish to lose my privileges there (that wouldn't be good because I HAVE to have access to my company email !!)

I made a few bucks, but was it really worth it?

Maggie brought me a present last Sunday ! I was sitting in the chair right after letting her out and I noticed that she and the cats were sitting on the other side of the room intently watching something. I didn't think much of it - maybe that is what they do !! (I had never watched these animals before so I didn't know their "habits"). As it got to be time to go to bed, I started upstairs and Maggie followed me but for some reason I glanced back to where they had been sitting and there sat a MOLE on the carpet. Thank goodness, it was a DEAD MOLE! A quick trip to the trash can was made before settling in for the night. Maggie wasn't the least bit happy with me - I guess I didn't praise her for her "catch" as she was expecting.

This is Maggie ...

I just HAD to take her picture because of what type of dog she is ... a Black Lab and Bassett Hound mix! Aren't those short little legs the cutest? What to call her? Maybe a Labsett!! Anyway, maybe not the funniest thing you have seen, but it amused me. And the cats (Sprite and Maxi), they brought me presents too. A dead mouse - TWICE !! Two different times I made the trip to the trash can again. This city girl with no pets isn't used to being brought presents like that !! I would rather have flowers or chocolates any day ...(and it is sad to say, I don't get either unless I buy them myself).

Many, many thanks to SJ for giving me this award. She said:

#7. BS at The First of Six. Well for starters, for all of you that haven’t figured it out yet, she’s my sister. My older sister. And while I don’t remember, she helped my Mom out by taking care of me when I was a baby. She’s new to this blogging stuff and I’m glad that she finally jumped in with both feet and started one. She does have a lot to say, and a lot to talk about – don’t let her fool you! And well, she rocks.

She is right ... I am her older sister and I did take care of her as a baby and I did start this blog (because of her urging) and I do have a lot to say ... BUT I have let her down - and I have let myself down - and any of you too that have chosen to read because of her ... I am disappointed in myself for letting this happen. I have so much to say ... but can never seem to find the time to post on a regular basis. Like I said earlier, changes need to be made and posting on a regular basis is one of them. I look forward to reading everyone else's posts and do so, but there hasn't been a lot for you all to read. I have ideas, I have lists of ideas, I have intentions ...

I struggle ...

I am a Mother but no longer a Mommy. I have no little ones to write about. I love to read about everyone's day to day antics involving their precious children (especially my nephews - one who is thirsty and the other who is a little stud muffin).

I am a grandmother but my children lead busy lives and I don't get to see my grandchildren (and the boys and their wives) often. Maybe, that is my fault (no maybes, it is my fault) - I need to make and find the time to go to them. Finding them available is a challenge ... a challenge that I need to take HEAD ON. I have always heard the saying "A daughter is a daughter for life, but a son is a son until he takes a wife" (maybe not quoted quite right but you get the drift, don't you?) I never realized how true that statement could be!

I am a daughter but not a good one lately. I don't speak to my parents often enough. Now that they live in CO, the time difference is a challenge but that shouldn't be an excuse. I spoke to my mother just the other night because of a mis-dialed call. You see, I came out to my car after work and my cell phone was beeping - hence a missed call or a new message. It was my Mom's cell phone so I called back. She answered eventually and I said "You called?" (my moment of trying to be cute but it really wasn't). She says "No - you called! As it turned out, she had accidentally rang my number when she was trying to turn off her cell phone and didn't realize that she had called. So, we had a conversation as a result of an error on her part BUT it shouldn't have been that way. I SHOULD just pick up the phone and call from time to time. I do try and a lots of times get no answer ... I give up too easily which is BAD, BAD, BAD.

Got to take a break ... I can't see through my tears. Will be back soon.

I'm back ... I guess, I miss having my parents close by more than I am willing to admit to myself. And today seems to be a day where it would be nice to have "Mommy" close by.

I am a sister too. And, yes, I am failing there also. I don't talk to my siblings as often as I should. They each have a husband or a wife and kids and well, they are busy but that is no excuse. Another change that I MUST make - I HAVE to make.

I have been plugging away at this post all afternoon in between doing the laundry and housework ... and to add insult to injury - I just went downstairs to take out a load of clothes to put in the dryer and the @#$%^&* washing machine is randomly spitting out grease onto my clothes! Go figure ... doesn't it have enough sense to know that I am having a bad enough day already !!

Multitasking ...

The dictionary's definition: the ability to perform more than one task at a time
My definition: the ability to screw up several things at once

Quite a few times during the last, say 5 hours, I have contemplated hitting the delete button and wiping out this entire post, because, well, it hasn't been the most positive thing I have written about. But I decided that NO it needs to stay so I can come back to it later and get my priorities straight and in order. When there is no one here (physically) to talk to, it is a good thing to write and work out your issues. So that is what I have tried to do.

There will be positive things to come -

My life isn't spiralling out of control - it just seems that way to me today.

OH - I did get my Summer Secret Swap mailed out before the deadline !!

Another OH! - I said I would try to put in some positive stuff too so ...

Here are some pictures of my grandchildren that were taken at Tyler's 3rd Birthday party on July 22nd.

Christopher keeping an eye on the little ones on the trampoline.

Trevor playing with one of his brother's new toys.

Jillian just being Jillian posing for her Grandma !

Tyler - the birthday boy - with his new "Big Boy" spiderman backpack.

The youngest of them all - Miss Tori

Just an added note: The time stamp says 1:15 - in reality I finally hit publish at 7:30 !!


Rachel (Crazy-Is) said...

It's your blog and there is no rule saying you have to write something positive in every post! A blog is like a journal. Sometimes it makes you feel better to write things down that are bothering you.

I hope things start going better for you soon.

Anonymous said...

Oh, my dear!! We all have seasons when we feel as if we aren't "enough." It's okay. Maybe it's your season to recharge yourself so you can go back to your loved ones refreshed and ready to engage. Love yourself. You ARE enough, all the time.

Anonymous said...

Here for Fun Monday but I hope things turn around soon. Take comfort in knowing you are not alone when you go through such thoughts. We all have dark days where life just plain sucks. Stephanie says it best I think....You ARE enough, all the time. That's a perfect saying I think and one I'm going to write down :o)

Julie said...

I second what Rachel said. It's your blog - you don't need to apologize for not being positive. We all have those days/weeks when everything is "wrong" in the world. There are a bunch of things I wish I were "better" at also but life doesn't always work that way. I hope talking it out helped you.

I think you should use that money you earned housesitting on a little retail therapy! : )

Beccy said...

The others have said it all already but you are allowed to feel and write about your feelings whether positive or negative,I hope you feel better soon and urge you to contact your family. I'm a daughter in law living in my husbands country and I get upset that my MIL never contacts me. I used to visit weekly and try and encourage her to pop over but she never did and as I made a life for myself I saw her less. I know it's wrong but it felt like I was the giver all the time whereas my hubby says she's giving us space. I constantly feel I should do more.

SJINCO said...

Okay, little sister to big sister -don't feel guilty about NOT posting! That wasn't my intention at all and you have NOT let me down in any way, shape or form! I'm just glad you started a blog to start with - eventually it'll grow into excatly what you want it to be. It's yours - have fun with it!

Also, I'm totally guilty at not keeping in touch and I'm on myself ALL the time to call this one, or email that one but time slips away and I never end up doing it. Just put your mind to it and start. I mean that's what I tell myself. You can do it. I know you can.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and smile - tomorrow is another day!

SJINCO said...

Duh..totally forgot to mention that the kids are getting big. I didn't even recognize Jillian.

Tell them all I said hello.....

CPA Mom said...

I thought this one over for 24 hours and I STILL don't know the right thing to say. A lot of the above is's your blog...say what you want...don't feel guilty about not posting...the blog is for you, not us...we ALL have a hard time keeping in touch with our families...


And I will ALWAYS be here to listen. You can always call me too.